It got me thinking, I know I'm anything but perfect, but I have had quite a few people comment since I've had Hannah that I look like I have it all together. Yes, there are days that are great. However, there are also days that are anything but great. Days when I feel like I've failed or when I totally lose my cool with Grant.
It's true that things are going pretty well with Hannah, and I feel like we are getting to know her as a baby, but that really took some time. We had a few really rough weeks in there! I think it all started with her being a Christmas baby and having her first week of life be kind of chaotic with people in and out of our house like crazy. I also became super sensitive to the noise of our house-specially the fact that Grant hasn't had to practice being quiet at home-ever. The noise made me angry, especially when I was trying to put Hannah down to sleep.
On top of that Hannah did not seem to be happy, ever. Brian even commented that there aren't a lot of "happy snuggles" with her. Putting her down for a nap, especially in the evening when everyone was home was horrific. I was doing what I thought I should, cuddling with her, and putting her in her crib when she was almost asleep. Only to have her wail the second her body hit the crib. I'd then pick her up and repeat the process-sometimes for an hour. Brian tried to help, but it was exhausting. Hannah would get so worked up she'd want to nurse again, then over eat and wail louder.
One night Brian left for the gym, as he had an appointment with a personal trainer. Hannah was crying when he left and continued for pretty much the entire time he was gone. After about an hour I put her down in her crib and walked away. I came out to the living room and cuddled with Grant for the next ten minutes while Hannah cried. Then, when I was calmed down, I went back in. I barely patted her to reassure her and she was asleep.
I. Was. So. Surprised. In the coming days I found out that when Hannah wanted to sleep, she wanted to be left alone, not snuggled with like Grant had. Suddenly Hannah's disposition improved. She was no longer over-eating and wailing, she was getting more sleep, and was just happier. I was so relieved, but I felt like I had been such a failure for the past few weeks. I was doing what I thought was right, only to realize I didn't know what my baby really needed or wanted.
So, the moral of the story, we all fail, but it's what we do after the failure that matters. This situation has caused me to be more of an observer, than someone who swoops in with the right answer. I know I'm not perfect, and that's ok. It's also reminded me that God is good. I had been praying like crazy for peace in our home and for Hannah to feel safe and loved. I know he heard my cry for help. I'm so thankful for that!
Vest: J.Crew Factory similar
Earrings: Nickel and Suede same
Leggings: Old Navy same
Boots: Marc Fisher same